When Should You Contact Your Ex?

Many aspects of getting back with an ex can test your patience. Waiting for the right time to contact your ex is one of them! The big question is, when should you contact your ex – how long should you wait?

Calender for deciding when to contact an exIt’s a good question. How long you wait could improve or ruin your chances of getting back with your ex.

Contact your ex too soon and you risk several things:

Firstly, rejection. The closer the time is to your break up, the more likely it is that your ex is still feeling a potent mix of strong and perhaps conflicting emotions – anger, resentment, sadness, regret – or are not sure how they really feel.

Making contact at such a sensitive time instead of giving your ex the space they need, is intrusive and insensitive. It is highly likely that you will be rejected out of hand – your ex’s way of saying, “Back off!”

Secondly, “losing it” when your ex rejects you. You will have been anxious about contacting your ex but also hopeful for a positive outcome. When all fails – when you are at the receiving end of a harsh and possibly embarrassing rejection – it’s likely you’ll take it hard and overreact. Before you know it, what you had hoped would be a step in the right direction has quickly turned sour, leaving you with yet more work to do to win your ex back. Assuming you haven’t ruined your chances completely.

Third, slipping into stalker mode. The alternative possibility is that you will dig your heels in and try again, anxious about how poorly your first attempt went and/or to apologize for losing it. Right now it may be obvious that contacting your ex soon after a failed attempt would be foolish. In practice, driven by strong emotions, you may not think so logically. You may find yourself slipping unawares into stalker mode. Just one or two unwelcome attempts at contacting your ex will earn you the label.

So, when is the right time to contact your ex – how long exactly should you wait?

The point of waiting at all is to maximize your chances of getting a fair hearing and (therefore) a favorable outcome. On both fronts, the key requirement is that your ex’s “early days” emotions have had a chance to settle down. As we all know, with time things fall into perspective. We start to see things in a new light. Big problems seem not so important after all, good memories resurface, and emotions that seemed impossible, like forgiveness, seem possible after all. This is a good time to contact your ex.

How much time it takes to reach this point will vary, and you need to get it just right. As explained in Does No Contact With Your Ex Work? no contact for a limited time is good, no contact for too long is bad.

In all cases, you should allow at least two (ideally three) weeks to pass before having any contact with your ex. At (or just before) this point, make very brief and limited contact to let your ex know they can contact you.

You will need to adjust this minimum no contact period up (but never down) to suit the nature of your break up and your ex’s personality.

Was it a particularly difficult break up? Is your ex a deep thinker, cautious, stubborn, particularly proud, or typically angry for long lengths of time? Perhaps you’ve heard they seem fine, are having a great time even. Maybe they are – for now – or maybe it’s all a front. You just don’t know for sure (and neither do others) what their private emotions are. So, take such reports with a pinch of salt and stick to your guns – wait for the right time to contact your ex.

Remember, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by waiting for when the time is right before contacting your ex.

Both of you will be better equipped to respond respectfully and positively to each other. Your ex will have come to know their true feelings for you. They will have had time to consider the possibilities and to plan their responses to anything you suggest. If, like you, they have decided that they miss you and want to get back together – or at least not ruled it out – they may be on tenterhooks waiting for your call. Another great reason why you should wait for when the time is right before you contact your ex!

An original article on contacting an ex by Molly Laws, exclusive to this site