Open Lines of Communication With Your Ex

Open Lines of Communication With Your Ex

Contact with your ex – how much and when – is a tricky issue that needs to be handled carefully if you are going to succeed at getting back with your ex.

In looking for advice about communication with your ex, you’ve probably already learned that the recommended course of action is to have no contact with your ex at all. But when you are anxious to get your ex back and take steps towards making it a reality, it’s advice that’s difficult to take. In practice, the situation is no so black-and-white. You must also keep the lines of communication open with your ex.

In a nutshell, having no contact with your ex has its value – done right. (See, Does No Contact With Your Ex Work for advice on doing it right.) It is an essential element of giving your ex space, something that will considerably boost your chances of getting back together. But at some point you will need to contact your ex as part of the process of getting back together. You must decide when this point is – when to contact your ex – and until then, keep your distance.

However, between having no contact and making contact, it is essential that your ex knows two things:

  1. Your lack of contact does not mean lack of interest in your ex
  2. That they are welcome to contact you at any time.

In other words, that the lines of communication are open and, if they choose to use them, they can expect a positive response. You will feel better too, not having to worry that your ex is holding back simply because they are afraid of rejection. (If they don’t get in touch, don’t fret – there are many possible reasons why and they aren’t necessarily bad!).

So, how do you make this clear to your ex if you are not supposed to have any contact with them?!

Obviously, it’s impossible! You will need to make contact but it must be strictly limited.

  • First of all, aim for a low key approach – the least intrusive method of contact possible.
  • Secondly, keep it short, simple and unemotional, without being cold.
  • Thirdly, make it 100% clear that you do not expect a response – you are not asking for or expecting anything in reply. You must really believe this yourself, too. Remember, It is unrealistic to expect to receive (or successfully make) any contact with your ex for a good few weeks.

What are the best methods of communicating this?

Telling your ex in person or calling are not recommended. They are the most intrusive options for getting your message across and present the biggest danger that you will stray off topic or become emotional. Opt to let your ex know they can contact you anytime in writing – by text, email or good old-fashioned snail mail. Whichever you choose, you will need to get your message right. Take your time and scribble out some variations until you feel the words, length and tone of your message are just right.

Here are a few quick-fire examples:

Hi, just thinking of you. Hope you know you can get in touch anytime about anything, and that everything is working out for you. You deserve to be happy.


Sorry to intrude. Just want to say that I hope you know you can get in touch any time, today or in a year! Hope you are well and happy. Take care.

Obviously you should craft your own message in your own words and style. But you get the idea – stay focused on the purpose of your contact (letting your ex know the lines of communication are open), stick to it and step back.